We spent Christmas at my parent’s house in southern California. D at the last minute decided she needed to get me more presents and had Amazon ship out a package to their house that was set to arrive the day after we arrived.
The package had yet to arrive at 6 PM which considering it was the holiday wasn’t that big of a surprise. Neither D nor I gave it much thought and went out with the family. Later that night when we get back and I’m walking into the yard after opening the gate I notice more than the usual assortment of gutted toys and old clothing… After catching a glimpse of a shred of manilla envelope it hits D and I, “The Package!” We yell together.
After rooting around the yard in the dark I was able to collect what was left of my christmas gift… It wasn’t much:
I don't think it's watchable...
Thankfully Amazon is awesome and sent out a new copy right away; a copy that is now sitting whole and happy on my DVD shelf.
I still don’t know why the UPS guy thought it was a good idea to throw a tiny package over my parent’s wall into yapping jaws of three puppies… Isn’t this the exact situation they get our phone numbers for?
His son though seem gifted with an ability to find new ways to end his life. Assisted by the near total absence of adult supervision Tim found ever increasingly bizarre and improbable ways to kill himself.
This is a piece of short fiction I wrote for a writing exercise for the Writer’s group I participate in. The idea was to take a story everyone knows (in this case The Time Machine by H.G. Wells) and remove one character, the ‘e’, and write a new story with that as the title. This is the work that was inspired by the ‘The Tim Machine’:
“Not again…” Was the first thought that crossed eminent geneticist Dr. Roland Tellers’ mind as he looked at the mess in his backyard, the next was “how does this keep happening?” A dark stain underneath the junior jungle gym led him to believe it had started there, the lack of a body though momentarily confused him until he heard the low growl of the family pet, Tilly, a supposedly harmless chocolate lab, beyond the tree line, as he walked across the manicured lawn he noticed a depression the grass weaving itself back to the sound he was following. Just under the trees he caught a glimpse of Tilly and she of him. The dog, usually playful and exuberant let out a low whine and came towards him her head down, tail wagging, Roland absently noticing her blood smeared muzzle. Dr. Tellers didn’t bother reprimanding the dog, at this point, she knew she was in no real trouble. Besides she’d only being following the instructions coded deep within her, a code Dr. Tellers had was intimately familiar with. Quickly assessing the damage Dr. Tellers recognized that his son was beyond his help and went inside to get a trash bag and a shovel.
He had never wanted a son, never wanted a wife either, the two had just happened Roland considered both of them accidents which had cost him and his work dearly. Roland’s love was only for his work, at a young age he had given up a broader life for the heady pursuit of knowledge. He had made his first notable science experiment in middle school and had managed to get a paper on protein-peptide interactions published in a small prestigious journal, his life unrolled in a predictable matter, college, graduate school, and professorship. The only hiccup was Juliana, who he had met in graduate school, and who for some reason seemed obsessed with Roland. Their “courtship” couldn’t be recognized as such by anyone, Juliana pursued and Roland ignored. It was out of the hopes of reducing distractions that he said yes to her when she proposed to him for the fifth time, a poorly thought out conclusion that was. Juliana immediately intruded herself into the one aspect of Roland’s life he consider important his work… From that low “high” the relationship rolled downhill. Dr. Tellers regretted that he ever had sex with his wife and he very much regretted that after their divorce when she found out she was pregnant she’d decided to keep the baby. The child that shared half of Roland’s genetic makeup was a small, cute, high-spirited boy. Juliana named the boy Timothy. Not wanting a child but unwilling to let the boy go fatherless Roland attempted to simulate what he thought a father should be, when it didn’t interrupt with his work. So it was that every weekend Roland picked up Timothy and took him back to his house, and then attempted to be a father while letting the boy do whatever it is boys do.
The first time it happened Dr. Teller’s was terrified, despite the fact that it was an accident and he himself was blameless, he had been working in his basement lab at the time. Reporting it to the Police or having to interact with Juliana would take too much time. It was dumb luck that Juliana was on vacation and he had the boy for a month, that he had been working on aging, and the simple genius to apply what he had been working on in the lab to his own personal problem. Two weeks and countless failures later he pulled it off, just in time to hand the boy back to his mother when she came to pick him up. Of course, that first model had some kinks to work out, a few bugs and oddities to it, Roland noticed them almost immediately. The boy was lackadaisical, absent mind and ed, his skin took on an odd tint under direct light. Dr. Tellers though had ample time to perfect the process, he did after all see the boy every week. Better though, the work he had done on Tim, had given him insights into aging and the proteins responsible for the process. Paper after paper came out of his lab as he recreated the field of gerontology, making Roland Tellers famous, respected, and rich. Tellers hardly noticed and everything went back into his work. By the fourth model Dr. Tellers had perfected the process, had grown bored, and moved on to other things.
His son though seem gifted with an ability to find new ways to end his life. Assisted by the near total absence of adult supervision Tim found ever increasingly bizarre and improbable ways to kill himself. Dr. Tellers at times suspected that somehow, despite the scientific impossibility, his son knew that it didn’t matter what he did, a new him would be back the next day. As he got older, the boy was ten now, the deaths became more and more ridiculous, and then they became mundane. As Roland gathered his son’s, more precisely another copy of his son’s, intestines in a bag he began to regret ever having cloned and rapidly aged his son 10 years ago, but after all this time it was much, much too late to go back. Having gathered the boy into the bag he carefully took the bag down into the basement and threw it carelessly into the incinerator and started the beast up. As he made his way into his basement lab he absentmindedly started up the machine that he so long ago had callously labeled “The Tim Machine”. He still chuckled at the name… By the morning Tim would be back in his bed and no one but him and Tilly would know anything had happened.
This set-up is complicated by the fact that no one can quite agree on who to poo-poo and what exactly deserves to have paeans written to its glory. Video games though just aren’t taken seriously and game journalism is seen of more as a cheer team rather than a bastion of stimulating conversation and critique.
Respect to a media isn’t given until those who profess a love for it, denigrate the majority of it… In an effort to bring more creditability to video gaming I’m offering this list of 10 things you’ll absolutely need to be one of those snobbish elitists you’d see if you ever went to art galleries, indy-music gigs, or read the New Yorker…
It seems in order to be taken seriously by the art industry, and the world at large, you have to poo-poo a lot of things while singing the praises of a small few… This set-up is complicated by the fact that no one can quite agree on who to poo-poo and what exactly deserves to have paeans written to its glory. Video games though just aren’t taken seriously and game journalism is seen of more as a cheer team rather than a bastion of stimulating conversation and critique.
Respect to a media isn’t given until those who profess a love for it, denigrate the majority of it… In an effort to bring more creditability to video gaming I’m offering this list of 10 things you’ll absolutely need to be one of those snobbish elitists you’d see if you ever went to art galleries, indy-music gigs, or read the New Yorker…
10. Braid – Braid is the future of video games, movies, life, everything. Don’t believe me? Just asks its creator, Jonathan Blow, who has managed to make his own ego the main selling point of this brainy platformer. Now, you don’t actually have to beat the game, you don’t even have to play it. Simply mention Braid, or it’s creator, in any video game discussion as an excellent example of form reflecting content, or comment on the delicate and multi-layered story in a condescending voice and you’re peers will soon be asking you what games they should like and why.
9. Zork – As a connoisseur, a collector, a critic you know the importance of packaging, how the context of an item contributes or detracts from how that item is perceived and interpreted. Zork is one of the most famous PC games ever made, familiar to even those outside of the hobby. So you know that Zork was originally sold in small plastic baggies with a 36-page booklet, right? and that is the version that you have. Why is this important? Because you own a piece of gaming history before it was commercialized, before the hobby was “sold-out.” It is important to play Zork so that you see just how far the format has degenerated since its inception… Here is story-telling! Games today eschew story in exchange for fancy graphics and complex sound tracks, all wrapped around 12 year-old male power/revenge fantasies. You also need to play Zork, in order to know what a grue is, in case your expertise and right to belittle everyone and everything to do with the hobby is questioned.
It's Thinking...
8. Sega Dreamcast – Sega tried so hard too, The Dreamcast was the companies swan song before they got out of the hardware business altogether. Why do you need one? Well because as a snob you know that the biggest isn’t always the best, in fact, you’ve based you’re entire value system around hating and vilifying anything that the majority like. The Dreamcast is the perfect system, not only because it had a surprising number of great games on it, as well as truly bizarre ones that help your connoisseur cred, but it also failed to be commercially successful. Not because the system had actual technical flaws, It’s parent company had used up any good-will consumers might have had towards them long before, or a myriad of other reasons. It failed solely because the proletariat failed to perceive its glory, but snobs recognized its greatness which is why they still own one and endlessly talk about how much better it was than the PS2.
7. Any board game designed by a German – If you follow the broader world of gaming you know that there has been a recent revolution in the boring old world of board games. Over the last few years European game designers have muscled in on the boring American market bringing to our shores such games as Carcassone, Puerto Rico, and numerous other board games that aren’t Monopoly or Life with a new skin… Having at least one of these games shows that your love of gaming transcends boundaries and medias. It also shows that your snobbery does as well, “If it isn’t designed by someone with an accent in their name it really isn’t worth playing.”
6. Any game that sells on the secondary market for more than $200 – Obviously it has to be complete… That cardboard box adds anywhere from $25-$100 dollars to the aftermarket price. Why do you need one of these? For a number of reasons: you get to brag to everyone just how much your complete MIB copy of Panzar Dragoon Saga is, not that you care about that sort of thing; it shows that you you take care of your collection, that you are not a gamer, anyone can be that, you are a collector: that you have impeccable taste, others might have to scrape together a small fortune to get their hands on a game everyone, belatedly, recognizes as great, you bought it when it first came out, when everyone else was buying garbage like Killer Instinct you picked up a copy of Earthbound.
sexy, sexy, text
5. Softporn Adventure – Software erotica, wasn’t always easy to come by… In fact digital images of naked women weren’t even possible with early computers, and early attempts at digital pornography are more disturbing than titillating. Softporn Adventure was one of the first digital attempts at adult oriented gaming. The game lacks any graphics and is tame even by the standards of its time. Despite all that the game created a huge controversy and was bootlegged and pirated across America’s high school and college campuses. This rare piece in your collection tells people your love of the art isn’t bound by bourgeoisie attitudes toward sex, feminism, and class. Bonus snob facts: This game was originally published by On-Line Systems, which would become Sierra On-line, and is the only game the company made that does not include graphics. Also Roberta Williams (creator of King’s Quest and other adventure games) is naked in a hot tub on the cover.
4. Japanese copies of Games released in English – That’s impressive that you own Casltevania 1,2, and 3 complete MIB. Did I tell you I have a copy of Akumajō Dracula, Dorakyura Tsū: Noroi no Fūin, and Akumajō Densetsu? No, well I do. What’s that you have Final Fantasy 3? That’s nice, check out my copy of Fainaru Fantajī Shikkusu. Things are just better when you can’t understand them, also they have crosses and boobies in the original versions.
3. An irrational, undying, love for some game designer – It really doesn’t matter who… Sid Meier, Hideo Kojima, Shigeru Miyamoto, Tomonobu Itagaki, the Gollop Brothers, Brian Reynolds, Hironobu Sakaguch, the list is endless… As long as you’ve picked one and will defend any and every game, statement, or bowel movement they’ve ever made. You’re not a fanboy though, so you’re going to have to dress up your slavish commitment up in big words, and technical terms… Talk about moving the media forward, paradigm shifts, innovative controls, restructuring design elements, advanced responsive AI, groundbreaking story-telling, etc., etc.
2. A videoed speed-run of your favorite game, tool assisted doesn’t count – As an expert on all things gaming, you must occasionally show others just how amazing you are at games. Also, you’re better than them at games. One of the best ways to do this is to go through a game, preferably a hard one, as fast as you can without dying recording the whole time and then upload it to YouTube where the whole world can bask in the glory that is you… The video above, by Toad22484, is a speedrun of Contra, and it clearly shows how much better than you he is at gaming… With your own you’ll also be able to assert your dominance over the unwashed gaming masses…
you wish you owned it
1. An original arcade cabinet or prototype/demo cart – Either one. Possessing one of these not only shows you’re better than other gamers, disposable income to blow on superfluous collector’s items… Having one or multiples of these lets people see how you’re doing your part to preserve video game heritage. It will also make them jealous.
So there you have it, 10 things you’ll need to enter the gamerati elite. Best of luck I look forward to our hobby becoming as shallow, hollow, and joyless as other forms of mass entertainment are today!
10. Braid – Braid is the future of video games, movies, life, everything. Don’t believe me? Just asks its creator, Jonathan Blow, who has managed to make his own ego the main selling point of this brainy platformer. Now, you don’t actually have to beat the game, you don’t even have to play it. Simply mention Braid, or it’s creator, in any video game discussion as an excellent example of form reflecting content, or comment on the delicate and multi-layered story in a condescending voice and you’re peers will soon be asking you what games they should like and why.
6. Any game that sells on the secondary market for more than $200 – Obviously it has to be complete… That cardboard box adds anywhere from $25-$100 dollars to the aftermarket price. Why do you need one of these? For a number of reasons: you get to brag to everyone just how much your complete MIB copy of 
4. Japanese copies of Games released in English – That’s impressive that you own Casltevania 1,2, and 3 complete MIB. Did I tell you I have a copy of Akumajō Dracula, Dorakyura Tsū: Noroi no Fūin, and Akumajō Densetsu? No, well I do. What’s that you have Final Fantasy 3? That’s nice, check out my copy of Fainaru Fantajī Shikkusu. Things are just better when you can’t understand them, also they have crosses and boobies in the original versions.