False(B)logic

It’s nearing the end of July and I still have not found a new place to live. This is the point where I start to panic. I would be panicking now too, if I hadn’t already been since the end of June. I don’t know what I am going to do. My luck seems to have run out… a long time ago.

It’s strange, it might be strange for others… Again, though I find myself thinking about death. It’s not something that I am afraid of. I cannot be the only one who feels this. I cannot be the only one who looks forward to the day when there will be no more days. If I only had the courage to hasten that day. Yes, that old premonition has returned as it always does. I will not live to see 31. There are times when the knowledge of this fact leaves me, they are fleeting though. It always comes back to me that I will kill myself.

In the end, I think it is for the best anyway. Why? I’ve never been too welcome here. Nor have I ever enjoyed it much. I feel thrust into the middle of a game in which I know none of the rules and am unwanted by either team. Why stay to catch the final score? The human race is only heading in one direction, extinction. Lucky for us, we’ve changed the long dirt road into a highway. It seems that we are even impatient of extinction.

I had something to say twenty minutes ago. I got sidetracked and now I cannot recall… Which is too bad because I have a feeling that what I wanted to say was quite deep and revealing. One of those precious gems you find when you sift through the rubble of your life. I don’t know if I’ll ever retrieve it now. Strange, how it is so easy to let slip away the most important things in our life. Yet we seem able to hold tightly to those that don’t really matter.

I can not tell what has gripped me these last few days. But, it seems that much of my old self as returned. While, I find almost impossible to have the contempt I once had for my fellow Man. No, for seem reason much of the hate and arrogance I once had has left me. Though I know I shouldn’t I do mourn for it’s loss. It was part of a lonelier me, also a stronger one. I mourn for the loss of that. I who once was strong now find myself weaker, surrounding myself with others so that I might fell strong. In the past, I needed none to feel so.

With old sentiments come old ideas and premonitions. I have written this before and voiced it as well. I do not think I have done so here. For as long as I can remember I have never imagined myself as a father, a grandfather, or even a husband. I do not know what all I imagined myself to be, but never one of those. From such thoughts or to better describe them their lack. I came to the realization that I would in all likelihood kill myself before I turned 30. At this point in my life the thought is an old companion even a comfort in troubled times. Who have I told this misunderstood sentiment to? Family and friends. My parents a few of my girlfriends. None have ever been able to reply in any way that has made sense or dissuaded me from my belief. If anything they call it a self-fulfilling prophect, but aren’t they all?

So I have rambled on again as I have her before. Who am I fooling here though? I know nothing and it shows in my writing… I no longer believe anyone else does though, some are just better liars than other or more foolish.

I know you can’t wait for my next rant, I can assure you it will follow shortly on the heels of this one (‘shortly’ as I measure time, which most assuredly not they way you do…)

I watched the sunrise this morning, it seemed as if it had lost some of it’s magic. After I thought about it for awhile I realized that it was not the Sun that lost it, but myself…