The 10 Things You Absolutely Need to be a Gaming Snob

This set-up is complicated by the fact that no one can quite agree on who to poo-poo and what exactly deserves to have paeans written to its glory. Video games though just aren’t taken seriously and game journalism is seen of more as a cheer team rather than a bastion of stimulating conversation and critique.

Respect to a media isn’t given until those who profess a love for it, denigrate the majority of it… In an effort to bring more creditability to video gaming I’m offering this list of 10 things you’ll absolutely need to be one of those snobbish elitists you’d see if you ever went to art galleries, indy-music gigs, or read the New Yorker…

It seems in order to be taken seriously by the art industry, and the world at large, you have to poo-poo a lot of things while singing the praises of a small few…  This set-up is complicated by the fact that no one can quite agree on who to poo-poo and what exactly deserves to have paeans written to its glory.  Video games though just aren’t taken seriously and game journalism is seen of more as a cheer team rather than a bastion of stimulating conversation and critique.

Respect to a media isn’t given until those who profess a love for it, denigrate the majority of it…  In an effort to bring more creditability to video gaming I’m offering this list of 10 things you’ll absolutely need to be one of those snobbish elitists you’d see if you ever went to art galleries, indy-music gigs, or read the New Yorker…

braid10.  Braid – Braid is the future of video games, movies, life, everything.  Don’t believe me?  Just asks its creator, Jonathan Blow, who has managed to make his own ego the main selling point of this brainy platformer.  Now, you don’t actually have to beat the game, you don’t even have to play it.  Simply mention Braid, or it’s creator, in any video game discussion as an excellent example of form reflecting content, or comment on the delicate and multi-layered story in a condescending voice and you’re peers will soon be asking you what games they should like and why.

zork

9.  Zork – As a connoisseur, a collector, a critic you know the importance of packaging, how the context of an item contributes or detracts from how that item is perceived and interpreted. Zork is one of the most famous PC games ever made, familiar to even those outside of the hobby.  So you know that Zork was originally sold in small plastic baggies with a 36-page booklet, right? and that is the version that you have.  Why is this important?  Because you own a piece of gaming history before it was commercialized, before the hobby was “sold-out.”  It is important to play Zork so that you see just how far the format has degenerated since its inception…  Here is story-telling!  Games today eschew story in exchange for fancy graphics and complex sound tracks, all wrapped around 12 year-old male power/revenge fantasies.  You also need to play Zork, in order to know what a grue is, in case your expertise and right to belittle everyone and everything to do with the hobby is questioned.

It's Thinking...
It's Thinking...

8.  Sega Dreamcast – Sega tried so hard too, The Dreamcast was the companies swan song before they got out of the hardware business altogether.  Why do you need one?  Well because as a snob you know that the biggest isn’t always the best, in fact, you’ve based you’re entire value system around hating and vilifying anything that the majority like.  The Dreamcast is the perfect system, not only because it had a surprising number of great games on it, as well as truly bizarre ones that help your connoisseur cred, but it also failed to be commercially successful.  Not because the system had actual technical flaws, It’s parent company had used up any good-will consumers might have had towards them long before, or a myriad of other reasons. It failed solely because the proletariat failed to perceive its glory, but snobs recognized its greatness which is why they still own one and endlessly talk about how much better it was than the PS2.

Carcassonne_lg

7.  Any board game designed by a German – If you follow the broader world of gaming you know that there has been a recent revolution in the boring old world of board games.  Over the last few years European game designers have muscled in on the boring American market bringing to our shores such games as Carcassone, Puerto Rico, and numerous other board games that aren’t Monopoly or Life with a new skin…  Having at least one of these games shows that your love of gaming transcends boundaries and medias.  It also shows that your snobbery does as well,  “If it isn’t designed by someone with an accent in their name it really isn’t worth playing.”

cash6.  Any game that sells on the secondary market for more than $200 – Obviously it has to be complete…  That cardboard box adds anywhere from $25-$100 dollars to the aftermarket price.  Why do you need one of these?  For a number of reasons: you get to brag to everyone just how much your complete MIB copy of Panzar Dragoon Saga is, not that you care about that sort of thing; it shows that you you take care of your collection, that you are not a gamer, anyone can be that, you are a collector: that you have impeccable taste, others might have to scrape together a small fortune to get their hands on a game everyone, belatedly, recognizes as great, you bought it when it first came out, when everyone else was buying garbage like Killer Instinct you picked up a copy of Earthbound.

sexy, sexy, text
sexy, sexy, text

5.  Softporn Adventure – Software erotica, wasn’t always easy to come by…  In fact digital images of naked women weren’t even possible with early computers, and early attempts at digital pornography are more disturbing than titillating.  Softporn Adventure was one of the first digital attempts at adult oriented gaming.  The game lacks any graphics and is tame even by the standards of its time.  Despite all that the game created a huge controversy and was bootlegged and pirated across America’s high school and college campuses.  This rare piece in your collection tells people your love of the art isn’t bound by bourgeoisie attitudes toward sex, feminism, and class. Bonus snob facts:  This game was originally published by On-Line Systems, which would become Sierra On-line, and is the only game the company made that does not include graphics.  Also Roberta Williams (creator of King’s Quest and other adventure games) is naked in a hot tub on the cover.

Akumajou Densetsu4.  Japanese copies of Games released in English  – That’s impressive that you own Casltevania 1,2, and 3 complete MIB.  Did I tell you I have a copy of Akumajō Dracula, Dorakyura Tsū: Noroi no Fūin, and Akumajō Densetsu?  No, well I do.  What’s that you have Final Fantasy 3?  That’s nice, check out my copy of Fainaru Fantajī Shikkusu.  Things are just better when you can’t understand them, also they have  crosses and boobies in the original versions.

3.  An irrational, undying, love for some game designer – It really doesn’t matter who…  Sid Meier, Hideo Kojima, Shigeru Miyamoto, Tomonobu Itagaki, the Gollop Brothers, Brian Reynolds, Hironobu Sakaguch, the list is endless…  As long as you’ve picked one and will defend any and every game, statement, or bowel movement they’ve ever made.  You’re not a fanboy though, so you’re going to have to dress up your slavish commitment up in big words, and technical terms… Talk about moving the media forward, paradigm shifts, innovative controls,  restructuring design elements, advanced responsive AI, groundbreaking story-telling, etc., etc.

2.  A videoed speed-run of your favorite game, tool assisted doesn’t count – As an expert on all things gaming, you must occasionally show others just how amazing you are at games.  Also, you’re better than them at games.  One of the best ways to do this is to go through a game, preferably a hard one, as fast as you can without dying recording the whole time and then upload it to YouTube where the whole world can bask in the glory that is you… The video above, by Toad22484, is a speedrun of Contra, and it clearly shows how much better than you he is at gaming… With your own you’ll also be able to assert your dominance over the unwashed gaming masses…

you wish you owned it
you wish you owned it

1.  An original arcade cabinet or prototype/demo cart – Either one.  Possessing one of these not only shows you’re better than other gamers, disposable income to blow on superfluous collector’s items…  Having one or multiples of these lets people see how you’re doing your part to preserve video game heritage.  It will also make them jealous.

So there you have it, 10 things you’ll need to enter the gamerati elite.  Best of luck I look forward to our hobby becoming as shallow, hollow, and joyless as other forms of mass entertainment are today!


Analog Gaming: Arkham Horror and Survival Horror Games

Want to keep playing after the console’s turned off? Pull out the dice and tokens analog gaming lives on! This time I talk about Survival Horror video games their history and their analog equivalents.

Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Alone in the Dark.  These names are instantly recognizable to gamers.  If you haven’t played the games or are not of fan of survival horror games you’re still aware of them and their meteoric rise to the top of the gaming charts (since to be replaced by the FPS).  But where did the idea of a survival horror come from and does it have parallels in the pen and paper, analog world of gaming?  The answer is of course that it does!

The survival horror genre of games takes a number of disparate elements and combines them to create a unique experience for the player.  The recipe looks something like this:  1 part horror movie, 3 parts adventure game, 2 part action game, 1 part RPG, and 4 parts paranoia and tension, mix, bake at 450 degrees. Viola!  Survival horror.  Resident Evil is usually pointed at as the first survival horror game, and the game created the label.  There were a numbers of video games released before Resident Evil that contained some, if not all, of the elements of the Survival Horror genre, the oldest being Infocom’s The Lurking Horror (1987). It was a text adventure game inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s writings and known for putting the player on the edge of their seat.

Sweet Home
Sweet Home

Capcom’s Sweet Home (1989) was a horror RPG while not the first graphical horror game (the Atari 2600 had a few but thy’re universally bad and fail to create the fear/tension that is the hallmark for the genre) is an early attempt at creating a game that recreates the fear and tension that horror movies aim at.  Sweet Home has been acknowledge as one of the prime influences on Resident Evil.

Alone in the Dark
Alone in the Dark

The other big influence was Infogrames’ Alone in the Dark (1992) series.  Alone in the Dark was a third person 3-d adventure game that put the player in the role of a man (or woman) trapped in a house consumed by evil, and while combat played a role in the game it was secondary to exploration and puzzle solving.

With Resident Evil, the genre was labeled and came into its own.   The franchise was wildly successful, despite its flaws (and there were many:  clunky slow controls, mixed visuals often too dark, inflated difficulty through item scarcity, restricted saves (damn those ink cartridges), an incoherent story line, etc.)  No, the reason Resident Evil worked was that it gave the same chills and bumps that shock horror films do.  It kept you on the edge of your seat, it created tension and paranoia, and people loved it.  They still do in a way, though the franchise has moved closer and closer to becoming a FPS.

Arkham Horror
Arkham Horror

Survival horror didn’t start on consoles though.  The horror genre is old, remarkably old, and just a little younger than story telling itself.  Our oldest written sources are full of ghosts and nightmarish creatures.  Modern horror’s roots can be found in the 18th century.  Gothic horror rose in the mid 18th century and was focused on “an appreciation of the joys of extreme emotion, the thrills of fearfulness and awe inherent in the sublime, and a quest for atmosphere.”   It was this genre that Lovecraft made his own in the early twentieth century, coupling extreme emotion with alienation and existential horror. It is in the world of table-top RPGs that we find the earliest instance of a game attempting to evoke horror, tension, and paranoia in the player.

The Call of Cthulhu RPG was first released in 1981 and was set in the 1920-30’s that Lovecraft set his own stories the plots that players play start out innocent enough but usually end with the player’s character going insane, if not being horribly maimed or killed by some monstrosity.  Some of the game’s more prominent themes were awe and terror of the unknown and the price such knowledge had on the human psyche

In 1987 Call of Cthuhu was adapted for a board game:  The Call of Cthulhu: the Board Game. The board game attempted to distill Lovecraft’s mythos and the themes of the RPG into a board game that could be played in an hour or so opposed to days.   Unlike acting (on the screen or role-playing) that can create an atmosphere of paranoia and tension through editing and surprise, the board game does so by slowly escalating the difficulty of the game and putting a random time limit on the players before some terror is unleashed upon the earth, an encounter the players rarely survive .  These two things created the tension, paranoia, and at times the fear that are so essential to the horror genre.

I really enjoy Arkham Horror but it certainly isn’t for everyone:

The game in all it's esoteric glory
The game in all it's esoteric glory

There are hundreds of cards and tokens and the rules aren’t intuitive.  Despite this I love the game and it is possible to pick up the game on your own with a couple of understanding friends around to help you figure it out.  I’m always trying to rope 3 or 4 friends together to play the game, those who aren’t intimidated by the board inevitably find they’re having a good time.  If you’re not into competitive games Arkham Horror is perfect as everyone has to cooperate in order to beat the game.   If you’re looking for a less complicated co-op horror game A Touch of Evil is good as well.  So next time your power goes out whilst playing Resident Evil 5, light some candles, and pull out Arkham Horror and play to keep the terrors coming!

Resources:  Fantasy Flight Games – the publishers of Arkham Horror and its expansions, Flying Frog Productions – the publishers of A Touch of Evil, Chaosium – The publishers of Call of Cthulhu, Let’s Play Already: Arkham Horror – An in-depth play through of the game with commentary, pictures, and rule explanation, I used this to help me play my first game

Analog Gaming 2 – Role Playing Games

My last Analog Gaming was about two specific games. This one is going to be a little broader, especially when talking about the “Analog part”. This episode of Analog gaming though is about story and choice.

In traditional literature, you get a great story but no choice, and in the majority of great games you are presented with a lot of choice but very little story (this includes Bioshock, and whatever game happens to be your favorite). The earliest time when listeners/viewers of stories were given more choice in a narrative was probably with ancient poets, who could and did tweak their stories to appeal to their audience; we still do this today around campfires and with friends. Plays allowed us to see the action rather than just imagining it, and it allowed the playwrights and actors to put subtle changes into a story or present it in such a way so that it was new and different to their audiences as well. Always, however, the choice has been limited for the reader and the audience despite the fact that most people dream of being the protagonists of their own adventure narrative. How much more exciting would the Battle of Troy been if you had played a part in it? Would MacBeth had ended as it had if you had been the the young Prince’s confidant and friend?

Quest For Glory: So you Want to be a Hero?

Dungeon and Dragons changed all that! Here was a system that put you and a group of your friends into the role of the heroes of an epic medieval fantasy adventure. The 4th wall had been broken but in reverse. The actors were not acknowledging the audience. Rather the audience was storming the stage, the directors chair, and the writer’s box! Dungeon and Dragons though is a fairly simple system: it’s good at telling an action adventure set in a cliché fantasy world with a story that only serves to string together random raids of dungeons for loot, and that isn’t for everyone. The amazing thing about D&D was that it opened a lot of people’s eyes. It let them see that one could build a system in which story telling could spring free-form out of the audience, and, boy, there were a lot of systems to build.

The best systems didn’t focus so much on monsters and far away places but on characters, people, and the roles they played in their world (regardless of settings), here there was choice, a lot of it. If everyone did their job, the result was a great story that was richer, deeper, meatier than most of what you can find on your bookstore shelves.

Some of these great story, character, and ethic-based RPGs were made by White Wolf. Systems like World of Darkness and Promethean are much more than stepping into a dark fantasy world where you have special powers, but where you also explore morality, pride and the burden of knowledge, mortality and what it means to be human. These systems take common and well-known horror stories and turn them into serious philosophical discussions about the human condition, and these discussions are received from on high by an author or game designer. The story springs organically from the players themselves, guided by a Game Master or Story Teller.

Quest for Glory II: Trial by Fire

Many of the earliest video game makers learned gaming around tables with books stack around them rolling dice. They were veterans of Dungeons & Dragons and several other role playing games. These video game pioneers were trying to recreate their experiences on the PC; games like Ultima and Wizardry were early attempts at this, and Oblivion is one of these games direct descendants. Early on in video games, Japanese and Western developers split on how these games should be made. The Japanese decided to take the numbers, algorithms, and charts found in pen & paper RPGs and ignore the story making part. They took all the busy paperwork of the format but ignored the player’s contribution to the RPG formula. The end result of this were games like Final Fantasy, a series that has not progressed much beyond its initial offering (discounting graphics and more complicated number schemes). JRPGs do not offer the player any control in the story, they are merely along for the ride. JRPGs are much more like movies or novels in that sense, in which the player has no control over where the story goes, and characters develop little. When there is character development, it resembles the author’s intents and desires rather than those of the player. This was not what RPGs were made to do! This is a step backwards from the pen & paper version.

Western RPGs have tried to remain closer to their analog roots, or they were until they became influenced by JRPGs and action-adventure titles. Very few games even tried to capture high ideal of analog RPGs. Sierra On-Line’s and LucasArts’ early adventure titles took the idea of a free roaming environment that pen & paper RPGs had and used it as a location for game protagonists, but the player was restricted by the limiting nature of their computer and the game’s programming. While games like King’s Quest, Space Quest, and Monkey Island promised freedom, players were limited by the games parser and the straitjacketing effects of the storyline.

Pen and paper RPGs are so amazing because the players are free to do and try anything once in the game world, and they are responsible for their actions. There are a few games that tried, they tried and failed but the effort was well worth it. They come close. Sierra On-line’s Quest for Glory series is a a great set of games. It was Sierra’s attempt to combine their traditional adventure games with RPGs. These games succeeded so much so because player’s decisions made a difference in the game. There were entire sub-plots that some players would never see if they didn’t take the time to explore their environment – the Rusalka and Domovoi quests in Quest for Glory 4 are good examples of this. They also are on this list because what you decided to play as changed how you’d solve the puzzles and over obstacles in the game. If you were a fighter you had to think like one, using brute strength to progress. Thieves would have to be crafty, and wizards had to use their spells and arcane knowledge. This is what RPGs allow you to do: slip into a role and explore it. Even today you can pick up a video game RPG, and your class is nothing more than dressing for the character it effects game-play minimally or not at all. (Oblivion is a big offender in this regard, it doesn’t matter what type of character you role, you can beat the game with a sword and shield, and some magic scrolls.) Deus Ex was great game that showed how decisions, ethics, morals can be explored in a video game, and just like QFG, how you played your character determined how you would react to the various puzzles and dilemmas the game presents you.

Dark Heresy
Dark Heresy

Video games still haven’t been able to live up to their analog ancestors. You can have a lot of fun playing Oblivion, Fallout, or System Shock but eventually your going to find a wall, a limit, imposed not by the world you inhabit, but the programmers and designers of that world, because it is beyond the machines capacity to handle or the games. This is not a problem in analog RPGs; you’re free to ignore the just about everything and do whatever you want in the world, and while doing so explore what it means to be good, or evil, friendship, love, greed, corruption.

I’m involved right now in a Dark Heresy campaign. The game is set in a gothic dark future where technology is magic and there is no hope for human existence. The game’s premise is that you are a government investigator of sorts (think film noir, mystery, and sci-fi put together.) It’s a neat setting but early on into the campaign and our group of people are dealing with fundamental issues of trust, teamwork, success, what it means to be human, insanity, corruption, faith, common decency, and the love of Mankind! None of this is anywhere in the books, or in our Story Tellers notes. They sprang from the players and we’ve been allowed to explore them, it’s been one of the most exciting things philosophical discussions I’ve ever participated in and none of us knew we were even having one!

If you’re interested in any of these RPG systems, just follow the links, they’ll take you to their respective websites. Or if you’re looking for something else in Analog RPGs explore the RPG Shop or head to your local hobby store on a weekend and see if anyone happens to be playing, or ask to see their bulletin board, RPGers are always looking for new recruits!

Do you have a DS?

I was going to draw a clever little flow chart to follow depending on your answer to that question but I’m lazy and every answer pointed to being a retard if you didn’t and going out to immediately purchase one. I’d describe the DS as being very close to heaven if I believed in invisible home somewhere in space were spirits spend all their time praising a mythical magical daddy with a big white beard (that’s my one rant this post, promise!) The DS is a really great system and I’m not the only one who thinks so, there are 20 million DS users in the United States alone, the DS is on its way to being the best selling console of all time! So stop reading this and go get one, their relatively cheap, especially considering the prices of current home consoles (arm, leg, soul).

Did you get one? Is it shiny and new and beautiful? Yes stroke your DS, love it, say goodbye to your significant other for the time being too, this baby can be a time sink, and best of all you can sink time anywhere! Now what to play on it? Here is my top 10 games for the system.

10. New Super Mario Brothers – A new 2-d platform adventure with our man with the mustache. The game is rendered in 3-d but the play is everything you remember from those days sitting in front of your television going up and down tubes and consuming mushrooms. A must have!

9. Nintendogs – Can’t afford a real dog? Don’t have time for a real dog?Maybe you just don’t have room or your significant other is allergic? If that is the case, Nintendo has the answer to your dilemma! A virtual pet that you can’t kill and will always remain an adorable puppy! Plus all those boring things you hate doing, like bathing, walking, picking up shit, are now fun mini-games!

8. Pokemon Pearl/Diamond – Gotta Catch’em All!

7. Super Mario Kart DS – It’s Mario Kart! You can play on-line (*shudder* friend codes, Nintendo needs to rethink their on-line multiplayer strategy) The same old fun that you’ve come to expect from the kart series. The game is easy enough to get into and beat but it’ll take dedication and practice to master it!

6. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass – I can’t seem to get into the new console bases Zelda’s I just don’t like the 3-d view and gameplay, call me old fashioned, I like my Zelda from a top down view. Phantom Hourglass delivers old-school Zelda gameplay with great graphics and intuitive gameplay using the touchpad and stylus.

5. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow – It isn’t Symphony of the Night, but nothing is! This is as close as you’re going to get on the portable front, well you could buy a PSP and get it that way, but then you’d have a 200+ dollar toy that plays one good game… Back to the DS! Castlevania has a convoluted story that involves Dracula, but it can mostly be ignored. What you need to know is that the game is a fantastic 2-d exploration game steeped in western horror tropes.

4. Animal Crossing: Wild World – How to describe Animal Crossing? It’s like real life but fun and your an animal. You have a house, you do odd jobs, you buy furniture, you build friendships.. It sounds terrible but this game has a huge following, if you have friends who have the game as well, your options expand exponentially as you can visit them and they can visit you. Animal Crossing is less a game and more an experience. If you have doubts rent it first, but you’ll like it!

3. Advance Wars: Dual Strike – Advance Wars is Nintendo’s turn based strategy game. Unlike other TBS games though it doesn’t take itself to seriously, the graphics are bright and cartooney, and the story is light-hearted. They’ve moved to a darker more serious look with their newest game in the series, which is why I’ve picked this one as it retains the light heartedness that made it fun, it’s not war and pain, but rock-paper-scissors, but you call it soldier, tank, airplane.

2. Puzzle Quest – Who doesn’t love Bejeweled? No one. Now add some RPG and strategy elements throw in duels, and you have yourself an addicting juggernaut that so far has taken on every console and the PC. Everyone love’s this game! I can’t get my hands on my DS at times because Diana is still playing this game!

1. Contra 4 – Not for the light hearted! I’m currently obsessed with this game despite its crushing difficulty. It’s too addictive to put down. Check out my review at Gamestooge.com

Best of all the DS is a system which largely has the field to itself, and one that is extremely popular so we can look forward to more great games.

P.S. Did you know that your DS can also play Gameboy Advance games? Of course you do, you read the manual. Next time I’ll tell you what games you absolutely need for the last Gameboy.

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