Category: Uncategorized

So here I am again. It’s been just over a week since I last took my lamictol. At this point if I wanted to get back on it I would have to start over again at 5mg and build myself back up to 400…

So why did I quit? I can’t say. Many reasons most of them I’m not even able to form into words to describe them. A feeling I guess, a drive, a desire. Humans have been on this planet for what? 4 -6 million years? Bi-polar has most likely been with them for most of that time… 5 million years has been insufficient to eradicate the genes that cause the disease from the pool. So, perhaps bi-polar isn’t the disease it is thought to be. Perhaps there are some benefits for those of us lucky enough to suffer from the disease. I don’t know. I do know that after 5 billion years I am here a product of said evolution and a “sufferer” of bi-polar. Modern medical treatment for mental disease began what maybe 30 years ago? Effective treatment at least. So how did those generations that came before me handle their malady? How did they continue to live when it seemed so easy and right to end it?

I want to find this out. How else am I to do so if I remain on the medication?

Lost Time. You should wiki it. Takes you to the page on Proust’s masterpiece. No, I’ve never read it… When I think of lost time it isn’t Proust that comes to mind either. What comes to mind are all the moments I know I had but cannot recall. The bulk of my life. Looking back over your life. How many details do you recall? If you had to narrate your life to someone… How long would it take you to do so? Stretch it out, bring up all the details. Could you fill an entire day?

When was it…? Corey came up a few weeks ago… We went to Tahoe and Reno. I hadn’t seen Corey in over 4 years, I think. For a best friend I haven’t kept in touch with him the way I suppose I should have. We had a good time. The thing that reall stands out though is the near death experience we both had on the way back to Davis. We were coming down the 80 west bound outside of Sacramento proper when the rear left tire of my truck exploded. This was a first for me and as I’ve never driven without a tire, not to mention the sparks and smoke that accompany its lack. We bagan to weave… Across four lanes of traffic and almost into the median, Despite my terror I was able to head Corey’s yells not to get into the median, stuck and possiblly flip the truck (Corey’s main thought the entire time (all 10 seconds of it)) so i swerve away from the median, and my car enters a spin.. 360 degrees later my truck has stopped and straddles the 2nd and 3rd lane of the freeway. Somehow no one had hit us. Corey and I look at each other and begin laughing. Hysterically. I slowly edge the car off the side of the road and we fix the tire. Again, laughing the entire time.

No one bothered to pull over, slow down, etc… to see if we were alright. Despite there being smoke surrounding my truck and chunks of burning rubber sitting in the highway. What lovely people… Oh and just so you know. My life didn’t flash before my eyes. There wasn’t time… That and my mind was full of trying to figure out how to keep my truck straight and right-side up

Since you won’t believe me if I don’t have proof… here it is. Pictures. Good thing Corey had his camera with him!

So I’ve made myself a new resolution, I hope I can keep this one I seem to be terrible at doing so. For someone who considers themself to be on top of things and in control of my life I certainly lack the dedication to follow through. An oppurtunity for personal growth I suppose

How much of a lifetime is spent not ‘living’? Where does one even begin to define what ‘living’ means? Self-help gurus, professionals, and, well everyone says that it is important to take advantage of the life we have to ‘live’ it to it’s fullest. Is any such thing possible though? Furthermore, how do we begin to objectively define what ‘life’ is? If it is simply a measurement of one’s own self content then there is no point in raising the issue as there can be no resolution to it either. If there is an objective way in which to measure it, it has yet to be found and those most concerned with everyone’s happiness and ability to live their lives have neglected in showing just what it means to be ‘alive’

Where am I going with this? I don’t know, it has something to do with the fact that I’m a poor, frustrated college student who can’t seem to get ahead despite all the advantages I’ve had in this life. It has something to do with the fact that after 25 years of trying to ‘live’ I find myself near to burning out. What does this say… Well about a number of things; Myself and my culture being the two most significant. Is it a failure in design? Perhaps I have a poor combination of genes, a slight shuffle or mutation of the code, that leaves me ‘unfit’ to participate under the pressure of modern day existence. Or is it our culture? Is it not my failure to adapt but, American societies failure to? Perhaps we have reached the point of diminishing returns and I am just one of many who has found the “New American Way” to be an impossibility?

I don’t know. There most likely isn’t a simple answer. If there is I cannot see it. I do know though that I am always exhuasted yet can never sleep. That while my body is largely numb, my mind is never still. That somehow I have cobbled together a system wherein I can operate in society without ever feeling as if I am part of it…