Category: personal

A little about me, Part 1

I don’t know who, if anyone reads this blog. I assume there is only myself and perhaps one or two others who occasionally drop in to see what is going on in my life. I don’t do any of the things I am supposed to to make this site successful in anyway. I don’t link to other blogs or post comments on their forums. I pretty much write about once a day on whatever seems to be of interest to me. I assume that this will continue to be the case. I have never described myself here, I never thought it was necessary. If you read this blog you already know me personally and there would be no point in posting a picture or writing out a long description. I’ve also never poured much of myself into the site. I don’t know html and I am reluctant to attempt “learning” a new language (the BASIC, Visual BASIC, and C++ I “learned” are all completely useless to me), so the site remains in the default template with just the colors changed around. There are no pictures of me, no about section, and I’ve never once gotten e-mail from someone about the site, though the options is there…

What am I doing with this blog? Why do I continue to do it? Who am I? Finally, why should you care? These are questions I am going to attempt to answer in the next half a dozen posts or so. Perhaps I will canvas a few of my favorite blogs, try to get someone to notice me. I am not optimistic. I will answer the first question now though. This blog is my journal, where I write about the things that interest me, where I write about who I am and what I have been doing (though it has been particularly light on that subject). Why a public journal? All journals are eventually public. When you die and your children, family, or friends begin to sort through your things they will find your journals, and they will re-discover their mother, or father, brother or sister, son or daughter. They will learn how you saw yourself, this blog is the same thing, I am just not waiting for my life to expire to share all of this with you. I do so in the hopes that getting to know me, will make myself and you closer, closer to each other and to everyone else… When we realize that the people and things that we are so busily hurling our hate at, or worse our explosive devices, are just like us it, it becomes much harder to belittle, marginalize, and kill them. I realize it is a large hope and naive and idealized one, but I do not believe there is any point to being pragmatic when it comes to dreams. I also write to improve myself, I have dreams and hopes, one of those is to write. Write so that when people read what I have said they are moved, touched. That when they have put down what I felt important enough to commit forever to written words, they will have to think. They can hate what I say or they can love it, as long as they feel something. As long as they are moved and changed I have not failed. This of course has not happened, and I have the suspicion that I am failing a lot more than anyone should ever be comfortable enough. You do not get better without working and here is my work, for everyone to see. Here is where I hope to grow and improve in the craft.

I promise more. My next post will concern itself with who I am and what motivates me.

Obligated

If you scroll down to the bottom of this post you’ll see the time stamp. I realize that 2:30 in the morning isn’t all that late (or early). It is a lot later than I’ve stayed up in a good while. I’m usually in bed by 1 AM these days. I don’t know why I am not tired. I was up early, swam, worked, and etc. By all accounts I should be tired. I SHOULD be asleep in my bed, having dreams I will not recall in the morning.

But I am not.

Should I worry? How long has it been since I went off Lamictal? I think it was near the end of last summer, almost a year… I count myself lucky, in that time I can only recall one cycle. It was short lived. I like to think that everything is under my control, but I’m not that naive. It comes and goes as it chooses, I have little control over that. The question of course is, am I manic? If so, how long will I be so? How long will the depression last? How deep will it be? Maybe I’m jumping the gun and all these doubts and worries are unfounded. I hope that is the case. I’m going to keep acting as if it is, unless something happens that proves to me that it isn’t.

What do I do if it is? I don’t know. I really don’t. I don’t have a contingency plan for it, even if I did in the middle of it I can’t be sure I’d follow the plan.

Finished a book today, I’d tell you what it is but then you’d know what it is I’m working on and I don’t want to ‘ruin’ it for you. When I have something substantial. Something worth sharing I might put it up here, a piece of it.

Anyway, good night.

Job Hunt… never ends…

*Le Sigh*

I spent the morning tweaking my Resume and creating a generic cover letter (or 2, or 3, or… you get the idea). Why am I doing this? I can’t work as a book seller at Borders forever, well not without killing myself and several others . After cleaning my paperwork up, I started looking for internships and jobs through UCD’s Internship and Career center website. The site is a byzantine network that I had troubles navigating through, eventually though I got to the search section. After an hour of searching 2 things were painfully obvious to me. One: My degree will not help me find a job in any way, shape, or form. Two: There aren’t a lot of jobs out there of what I want to do. Number two is the real issue. I don’t know what I really want to do with my life, I only have the most amorphous sense of what I want to accomplish in this life. I found a listing for an editorial internship at Prima, I sent them a resume and cover letter. I also shot one off to Ziff Davis Media Inc. I worry I will never hear back from either one. I tried calling Ziff today and their phone system doesn’t give you an operator …ever. I know they’ll be asking for interns again, but it won’t be till the beginning of next year, can I wait that long?

I’m not holding my breath. Guess I should stop wasting time and study for the GRE and LSAT. Though, if I do take them and do well and get into Grad or Law school, will I be any better off than I am now? I still won’t know what I’m suppose to want to do here, I’ll only be delaying the inevitable.

Enough with the depressing soul searching.

Look at my poor attempt at pixel art!


It’s a Necron from Games Workshop’s Warhammer 40,000 table top game and my first attempt at pixel art. It’s 20 by 50 pixels. Revel in its awesomeness!

If anyone cares to know how I made it, continue reading. If you just want to see it better download the image and zoom in a bunch.

I used Paint.net, a free program that is trying to be photoshop. It’s far too powerful for pixel pushing but it works and I know it. I originally made the image 16 by 48 pixels. I zoomed in 800% and began placing pixels. I finished, the head, shoulders, torso, hips, legs, and feet before I realized I’d need a little more room if I was going to fit the arms in there. So I re-adjusted the size of the canvas and then re-centered the image in it. I then added the arms after re-working the shoulders. I also made the feet bigger. Then I threw in the ground and sky. There is an attempt at making the sky darker as it gets closer to the ground I could have spent more time with it… but I didn’t. There was of course no room for a gun in such a small space. I think for the actual Necron I restricted my palette to 5 colors. The background is another 7, mostly for the lightening of the sky. Anyway, now you know more than you ever wanted to… 😀

If you want to see what a real Necron looks like you should click here.

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