Category: personal

The Fear of Writing or Holding onto Dreams

I’m much more in love with the idea of being a writer than the work required to be one.

So here I am. I don’t have a job. I have very few prospects. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of even the appearance of failing. But. But. But, I’m not so scared of failure that I’m willing to try something I desperately want to try. I’m only scared right now of not being able of finding a job. I’m only worried of not being able to provide the kind of life for my wife that I know she deserves.

And I don’t think that’s enough.

It’s just not enough to get me to take the risk and sit down and write.

Why? I’ve been thinking about this for sometime now. I know I’m not the only one. Lots of people have been quite successful making a career out of thinking about our fears. And lots of people are trying to make a living off of it. I don’t know if I have an answer, yet, but I think I’m approaching one. It has to do with dreams.

Right now, while I’m excreting out the 10,000th cover letter or résumé I can tell myself it’s just a temporary gig, that there are other options available to me whenever I want to take them. I still have the dream of getting paid to be a writer. No one can take that away from me.

But myself.

All I’ve got to do is sit down and write. Poof, now it’s not a dream. Now it’s reality. Now I have to make good. What if I fail? When it turns out I can’t write what dream do I have to cling to then? For what purpose then will I be grinding through the minutiae and bullshit of daily life?

I don’t know. And, I don’t think I want to know. It’s a lot safer to sit here and not write.

So, I don’t…

False’s Four – Things about San Diego

Things I like:

  1. I appear to be only fifteen minutes away from everything in the entire city.
  2. It doesn’t get very cold.
  3. Harbor seals!
  4. the sunsets and sunrises.

Things I don’t like:

  1. It never rains (how am I going to justify sitting all day on the couch with just a cup of tea?)
  2. It doesn’t get very cold.
  3. Suburban and exurban hell.
  4. No decent forms of alternative transportation (cars required.)

Things that would be neat:

  1. If it snowed here just once.
  2. being able to see some of those million dollar home slide off the hills.
  3. I got a job.
  4. Seeing a Chargers game (hahahahhaahahahahah).

Things I don’t want to see:

  1. A Chargers game.
  2. The Stone Brewing Company.
  3. Carl DeMaio become mayor.
  4. What the I-5, I-15, or I-805 look like during rush hours.

STAR*** **OOP**S: A Surreal Space Poetry Project – Page 6

Thanks to Teg for helping with the image!

Snap
The cartridge bumps

(An odd
Sound)

Into the firing
Chamber

Hits,
Then…

Nothing,
Free,
Weightless,
Wrong,

Dead. 

  I’m beginning to notice a focus in these poems: Death. I think I need to focus on making these poems more surreal and less and morbid.

The New Place

The South end of the Living Room

Seeing as we’re all settled now I suppose I could share with my few readers some pictures of our new place in sunny San Diego! The place we got is a small cottage (550 sqft) and living in such a small space has been an adjustment.

The Northern end of the Living room with boardgame fireplace, bookshelf mantle, and computer cubby

But, we’ve been here for about a month and I’ve already come to find the smaller space superior to a larger house in many ways: its cozy, easy to clean, I have less stuff, it doesn’t feel cluttered, etc. There are some downsides as well; we don’t have a dining room and entertaining guests would be difficult but these aren’t deal breakers and over-all I think there are more positives than negatives with the place.

Our bedroom with south facing windows

The cottage, I think I should come up with a name for it has a simple floor plan the front door faces east and opens in on the living room which is connected to the kitchen by a long narrow hall that terminates in a full bathroom.

The kitchen with Jake

The bedroom is shares its eastern wall with the living room and its western with the kitchen. Another nice thing? The cottage seems centrally located and, so far, I haven’t had a need to spend more than ten or fifteen minutes in the car driving anywhere.

 

Now I just need to find a job!

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