It seems in order to be taken seriously by the art industry, and the world at large, you have to poo-poo a lot of things while singing the praises of a small few… This set-up is complicated by the fact that no one can quite agree on who to poo-poo and what exactly deserves to have paeans written to its glory. Video games though just aren’t taken seriously and game journalism is seen of more as a cheer team rather than a bastion of stimulating conversation and critique.
Respect to a media isn’t given until those who profess a love for it, denigrate the majority of it… In an effort to bring more creditability to video gaming I’m offering this list of 10 things you’ll absolutely need to be one of those snobbish elitists you’d see if you ever went to art galleries, indy-music gigs, or read the New Yorker…
10. Braid – Braid is the future of video games, movies, life, everything. Don’t believe me? Just asks its creator, Jonathan Blow, who has managed to make his own ego the main selling point of this brainy platformer. Now, you don’t actually have to beat the game, you don’t even have to play it. Simply mention Braid, or it’s creator, in any video game discussion as an excellent example of form reflecting content, or comment on the delicate and multi-layered story in a condescending voice and you’re peers will soon be asking you what games they should like and why.
9. Zork – As a connoisseur, a collector, a critic you know the importance of packaging, how the context of an item contributes or detracts from how that item is perceived and interpreted. Zork is one of the most famous PC games ever made, familiar to even those outside of the hobby. So you know that Zork was originally sold in small plastic baggies with a 36-page booklet, right? and that is the version that you have. Why is this important? Because you own a piece of gaming history before it was commercialized, before the hobby was “sold-out.” It is important to play Zork so that you see just how far the format has degenerated since its inception… Here is story-telling! Games today eschew story in exchange for fancy graphics and complex sound tracks, all wrapped around 12 year-old male power/revenge fantasies. You also need to play Zork, in order to know what a grue is, in case your expertise and right to belittle everyone and everything to do with the hobby is questioned.
8. Sega Dreamcast – Sega tried so hard too, The Dreamcast was the companies swan song before they got out of the hardware business altogether. Why do you need one? Well because as a snob you know that the biggest isn’t always the best, in fact, you’ve based you’re entire value system around hating and vilifying anything that the majority like. The Dreamcast is the perfect system, not only because it had a surprising number of great games on it, as well as truly bizarre ones that help your connoisseur cred, but it also failed to be commercially successful. Not because the system had actual technical flaws, It’s parent company had used up any good-will consumers might have had towards them long before, or a myriad of other reasons. It failed solely because the proletariat failed to perceive its glory, but snobs recognized its greatness which is why they still own one and endlessly talk about how much better it was than the PS2.
7. Any board game designed by a German – If you follow the broader world of gaming you know that there has been a recent revolution in the boring old world of board games. Over the last few years European game designers have muscled in on the boring American market bringing to our shores such games as Carcassone, Puerto Rico, and numerous other board games that aren’t Monopoly or Life with a new skin… Having at least one of these games shows that your love of gaming transcends boundaries and medias. It also shows that your snobbery does as well, “If it isn’t designed by someone with an accent in their name it really isn’t worth playing.”
6. Any game that sells on the secondary market for more than $200 – Obviously it has to be complete… That cardboard box adds anywhere from $25-$100 dollars to the aftermarket price. Why do you need one of these? For a number of reasons: you get to brag to everyone just how much your complete MIB copy of Panzar Dragoon Saga is, not that you care about that sort of thing; it shows that you you take care of your collection, that you are not a gamer, anyone can be that, you are a collector: that you have impeccable taste, others might have to scrape together a small fortune to get their hands on a game everyone, belatedly, recognizes as great, you bought it when it first came out, when everyone else was buying garbage like Killer Instinct you picked up a copy of Earthbound.
5. Softporn Adventure – Software erotica, wasn’t always easy to come by… In fact digital images of naked women weren’t even possible with early computers, and early attempts at digital pornography are more disturbing than titillating. Softporn Adventure was one of the first digital attempts at adult oriented gaming. The game lacks any graphics and is tame even by the standards of its time. Despite all that the game created a huge controversy and was bootlegged and pirated across America’s high school and college campuses. This rare piece in your collection tells people your love of the art isn’t bound by bourgeoisie attitudes toward sex, feminism, and class. Bonus snob facts: This game was originally published by On-Line Systems, which would become Sierra On-line, and is the only game the company made that does not include graphics. Also Roberta Williams (creator of King’s Quest and other adventure games) is naked in a hot tub on the cover.
4. Japanese copies of Games released in English – That’s impressive that you own Casltevania 1,2, and 3 complete MIB. Did I tell you I have a copy of Akumajō Dracula, Dorakyura Tsū: Noroi no Fūin, and Akumajō Densetsu? No, well I do. What’s that you have Final Fantasy 3? That’s nice, check out my copy of Fainaru Fantajī Shikkusu. Things are just better when you can’t understand them, also they have crosses and boobies in the original versions.
3. An irrational, undying, love for some game designer – It really doesn’t matter who… Sid Meier, Hideo Kojima, Shigeru Miyamoto, Tomonobu Itagaki, the Gollop Brothers, Brian Reynolds, Hironobu Sakaguch, the list is endless… As long as you’ve picked one and will defend any and every game, statement, or bowel movement they’ve ever made. You’re not a fanboy though, so you’re going to have to dress up your slavish commitment up in big words, and technical terms… Talk about moving the media forward, paradigm shifts, innovative controls, restructuring design elements, advanced responsive AI, groundbreaking story-telling, etc., etc.
1. An original arcade cabinet or prototype/demo cart – Either one. Possessing one of these not only shows you’re better than other gamers, disposable income to blow on superfluous collector’s items… Having one or multiples of these lets people see how you’re doing your part to preserve video game heritage. It will also make them jealous.
So there you have it, 10 things you’ll need to enter the gamerati elite. Best of luck I look forward to our hobby becoming as shallow, hollow, and joyless as other forms of mass entertainment are today!