Who doesn’t love this quaint fairy tale that shows children overcoming adversity and sticking it back at the adult world. It’s just so tragic as well. Their evil step-mother bitches about having to feed these kids over and over. I mean they never stop eating! God, it’s like they’re growing or something. Their father, a poor wood-cutter, finally succumbs to her endless demands and abandons them in the middle of the forest. Hansel and Gretel though are smart cookies and had been eavesdropping on their parents conversations. So they knew what was up and left a trail of pebbles to find their way back home. Go Kids! This is repeated again, but for some reason this time they don’t have rocks, they only had bread. They leave a trial of breadcrumbs but every selfish animal in the forest just eats their way back to safety. Well that sucks. They wander around in the woods for awhile until they find another house, this isn’t any house though, it’s gingerbread house!? Sweet! Wait… a witch lives in it and she captures the two of them. She starts fattening up Hansel while making Gretel her slave. Hansel tricks the witch that he isn’t getting any fatter, fed up with waiting she tries to cook his sister, there is a struggle, the witch falls in the pot. Bam! problem solved. Gretel frees her brother, they find a bunch of gold and jewels in the witches house. They then leave the house and find their way back to their own home. Daddy is so happy to have them back, even better while they were off in the woods their stepmother died! Score! Happy Endings all around.
But Wait!
What the Fuck is going on in this thing? If I was a poor wood cutter and I had two “great” kids and one harpie of a wife. Why not ditch the ball and chain? She eats just as much as the kids do, leave her in the woods. Food shortage solved and now he can go out at night with friends. I can guarantee you if this woman couldn’t stand her husbands children, she wasn’t going to tolerate his loser friends.
Next the children. Innocent Hansel and Gretel. No, these a wicked kids. They eavesdrop, trespass, vandalize, murder, and then robbery. My guess is that their stepmother wasn’t upset about them eating all the food, she probably feared for her life.! Violent thugs living down the hall from you and their father justs sits. He let’s them get away with everything! You can’t just come up to someone’s house and start eating i!? It’s not theirs! The witch had every right to capture these kids. They were on her property, not only that they were destroying her house! What would you do if two hooligans jumped your fence crossed your lawn and then started taking chunks out of your home? You’d call the police, or you’d shoot them, But if you were an old lady, who’s lived alone in her gingerbread house for ages and is maybe a little gone, you’d capture and decided to eat them, perfectly reasonable. Another point, why the hell would animals eat a trail of lousy bread crumbs when there is an entire house made out of candy just sitting in the middle of the forest! Fuck crumbs! I want cake, and so do wild animals. Everything wants cake.
I’ve already stated that the old lady was crazy, why else would she live in the middle of no-where in a house made of food which is fool of treasure and then try to it the stringy runts who deface your property? With that kind of loot she could be living the high life in the city, if she still wants children there are plenty of street urchins, how often do kids get lost in the forest? How often do they stumble upon your tiny house? I bet she put up signs. How else would anything find your elaborate, completely inefficient child trapping home? This old lady could learn some pointers from pedophiles, they just use their shitty internet connections and beer. Besides prepping kids sounds too complicated and involved, I’d just have shot them and made a normal dinner.
They get back home after destroying this old lady’s life to find out that their stepmother is dead as well. What great luck. In the real story though it wasn’t a step mom it was their normal mom. So what does that mean? “Scholars” think that the mother and witch are the same person. If that was the case then I can only say this, that is one dumb fucking woodcutter… At least there weren’t any pedophile dwarves, though they could have livened it up a little.
