I was working on Friday with my good friend Muhammad at Borders. He was helping a customer and I was cleaning up magazines. On the cover of last week’s US magazine are the two buffoons you see above. With some sort of headline like, “Eva and Tony tie the knot! We Were There!” Being a trashy rumors rag, it had about a dozen more exclamation points. I turned to Moe and asked him, “Who the hell are these people and why should I care?” He looked at me and said, ” You really don’t know who they are?”
“No, should I?”
“That’s Tony Parker the NBA player of the year.”
“Oh, and her?”
“She’s on that Desperate House Wives show.”
“Hmm, well I guess that’s all right, I mean at least he plays sports, that takes some skill. But who cares? He puts a inflated pig bladder through a tiny hoop, while being oogled by thousands of ‘heterosexual’ men. But her? She plays a whore on some trashy television show? I know half a dozen girls who are whores in real life. They do a better job too. Why aren’t they on the cover of every trashy magazine that the publishing industry excretes into the public?”
This last comment was overheard by one of our customers, who stood there wide-eyed, choking on their laughter. I continued, “Americans are retarded, we don’t have royalty in our country so every dumpy, lazy, fat-assed, house wife (and their daughters, and I don’t know every other ridiculous meat-brick) in the United States wastes half their time obsessing over neanderthals and hookers?! Go America! Why is anyone fighting to preserve ‘our way of life’? What way of life? American culture is the most common denominator. That isn’t an accomplishment, you get there by default. I can’t wait until it’s all wiped away!”
The customer laughed, Muhammad laughed, then I decided to laugh too… While inside a little more of me died. At least the hordes will have something to read in two years when these fools divorce…
You would cry too if it happened to you
