I can not tell what has gripped me these last few days. But, it seems that much of my old self as returned. While, I find almost impossible to have the contempt I once had for my fellow Man. No, for seem reason much of the hate and arrogance I once had has left me. Though I know I shouldn’t I do mourn for it’s loss. It was part of a lonelier me, also a stronger one. I mourn for the loss of that. I who once was strong now find myself weaker, surrounding myself with others so that I might fell strong. In the past, I needed none to feel so.
With old sentiments come old ideas and premonitions. I have written this before and voiced it as well. I do not think I have done so here. For as long as I can remember I have never imagined myself as a father, a grandfather, or even a husband. I do not know what all I imagined myself to be, but never one of those. From such thoughts or to better describe them their lack. I came to the realization that I would in all likelihood kill myself before I turned 30. At this point in my life the thought is an old companion even a comfort in troubled times. Who have I told this misunderstood sentiment to? Family and friends. My parents a few of my girlfriends. None have ever been able to reply in any way that has made sense or dissuaded me from my belief. If anything they call it a self-fulfilling prophect, but aren’t they all?
So I have rambled on again as I have her before. Who am I fooling here though? I know nothing and it shows in my writing… I no longer believe anyone else does though, some are just better liars than other or more foolish.
I know you can’t wait for my next rant, I can assure you it will follow shortly on the heels of this one (‘shortly’ as I measure time, which most assuredly not they way you do…)
